ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
