why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
my liver is dry heaving
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
