I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
