I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize