in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We need to feng shui this bitch.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
