You smell like a Billy Joel song
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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