I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I met the friendliest cop last night
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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