I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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