Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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