i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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