i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I wear drunk well.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
