A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i need some magic done to my vagina
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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