K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
