Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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