took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize