Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
