I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize