You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
