I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
