Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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