If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
