1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
