if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
