Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
