I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
