even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Randomize
