Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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