The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We need to feng shui this bitch.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
