It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
