meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
