I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
