DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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