i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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