I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
