Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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