I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
