how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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