fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
