Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
