I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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