ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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