Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
