I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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