You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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