Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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