Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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