i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
