Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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