took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
