It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
