My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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