Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
