Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
