o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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