I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
