Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
