First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My balls are so social today.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
