Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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