he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just invented taco cereal.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize