Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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