Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
